Hello!
I’ve been saying multiple times that i’ve alwayd been neutral about my body- despite how it changed within the last years. I had a period where I was overly thin, now looking back I can’t help but think of how sick I look.. and now i’m definately more meaty, in fact i’m now wearing XL/plus sizes.
But one thing I have been having trouble with, is seeing my body through another person’s gaze.
Let me explain: growing up, I would tag along with my parents on weekend drives. My mother being a fanatic of pictures, she would take alot of full-shot of me. As I aged, I stop tagging along.
Then covid hit, I got sick, and then my trichomania started showing.. for a varsity of reasons, I stopped getting in pictures.
While I do still have very few selfies and mirror pics- those remains things that we got control over. Either we can put a filter that slim the jaw so my face don’t look as big, or i’d place myself in a specific way that is pleasing to me. We have the control over the picture.
When mother take a picture of me, I don’t. The only thing I can control is the pose. No filter, no seeing how I look beforehand- and we don’t pause so I can look to retake either. It’s like looking at ourselves from a totally different POV.
Globally speaking- I don’t mind my body. It looks the way it does, I can take pictures of myself *though it depend of the day*, I can look at myself in the mirror.. i’m not ashamed of being a normal/bigger girl. I dance about 80mins (1h20) every week, I work up and running around a coffee shop; my weight remains within the same range.
When I was thin, the scale rotated around the same number, I couldn’t gain weight. Anxiety created stomach problems.. when that got resolved I reached my “happy weight”. Though i’ve gained a few pounds since I started up dancing, they’re most probably muscles. I shed some of that fat I hated on the back of my hips. I just happens to have bit hips & big breasts now 🤷🏽♀️
The problem is only when I see myself through mother’s camera. Albeith I’m almost fully bald right now.. as we’re waiting for my tricho-plucked hair to grow properly to grow it back (otherwise I look like a deer with mange 🙈). It’s the shortest I ever had my hair, most of my pictures has longer, atleast to my ears!
Being un-used to seeing my body in this lense, mixed with the lack of hair is probably what’s happening. Logically, I think I need to expose myself to this lense more, so I can get used to it.
Remember; the way you look has no effect on your worth. Your trichotillomabia also doesn’t impact your worth. You are still beautiful as you are: with tricho-plucked hair, and with your meat. ❤️