Learning to let go and relax // A 2021 Goal

2020 had wrecked havoc on what was my more “social” goals for the year – so when 2021 came, I didn’t really had any goals in mind.. foreshadowing the potential of having a following of this pandemic..

So instead, as you can read them here, I opted to have not goals nor resolutions.. but some kind of reminders instead.. Some to make myself a priority, and a big one to just simply let myself be.

 

I’ve been wanting to write this since doing that original post linked.. although not finding the words to write it — Thinkin that sharing it, exposing the problem and maybe the help of your comments on it could be a beneficial thing for me.

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My downfall started after I got out of College.. As my wonderful internship business couldn’t keep me as they had just hired someone else mere months ago, I scored this job with the help of my teacher, at this “Re-building after sinisters” franchisee. It was my first real experience out of school, and while I would’ve needed to be guided — all I’ve gotten was being dumped there and “get your shit together yourself”.

I had just turned 19 at the time.. The man that was my boss had NO. IDEA. how accounting worked – just wanting to do it’s shit and basta. The accountant doing that business’ papers was a accounting firm that has many others aswell, and as it was tax season, didn’t had time for me at all; leaving me all alone in a big office where people came and went in the back to store the customer’s goods being salvaged from said fire/flood/etc.

While it was okay at first, I’ve became really miserable .. every morning when entering the building I would burst in tears- almost wishing something bad would happen so I could get away from there. Immediately after, i’d convice myself that it wasn’t that bad.. thus pushing me WAY past my limit- until the day I broke. I had already waited far too long, so giving a good 2-weeks before quitting wasn’t an option anymore; though I had told him to find someone quick because I was breaking.. Ended up just leaving after my shift on December 19th after payday. Gave him my keys and tried to explained through my tears; which he chucked at me like “tss okay”.

 

I then spent 9months unemployed, and in Therapy.
After leaving that day, I spent my nights scared shitless of having them coming and grab me to go to work, because “you owe me 2-weeks notice” .. it had taken all of December & early January of my parents to convince me that I should see a therapist – I did NOT wanted said therapist to judge me, nor wanting people to flag me as crazy (which of course; wasn’t the case)

At the time my dad’s employer gave it’s employees & family a total of 8 sessions, so that convinced me to go.. as it was there to take- so why not? This is when she had told me I had medium, borderline severe anxiety AND depression (because it’s mostly always a “get one, get a second one free with thoses!)

 

It’s been 4years since. 
9 months compared to 4 years of working my ass off, rarely taking sick days, and always willing to do extra time seems like quite a short time; but it’s still haunting me.

In thoses 9months, although I had prepared myself a few mills in bank, and applying & getting interviews probably 4 times a week for the duration of it .. I just couldn’t get a job. Nobody would give me a chance, probably because I had spent so many months unemployed – and never had spent more than a year at one place, as I fell on mostly awful bosses that fucked me up even more. Money was leaving at an anxious rate; I had my phone to pay, along with my dog’s food and my student loan.. leaving me while STILL unable to find something.

Then Sheik got really sick.. she was only 2, with what we thought was a gastroenteritis; refusing to eat nor drink, vomiting a few times & shaking .. when I brought her to the vet she was SO dehydrated she needed to stay on IV for 4 days. Although muscular at 18lbs, it was a big thing for such a small dog.. but I couldn’t just let her go so young! It ended up costing me 1,2K — the entirety of my credit card that I magically hadn’t used yet. I saved my dog (which will ALWAYS be the good thing; can’t imagine a different outcome..), the financial rope tied even tighter around my neck — I was pretty much spiralling in my anxiousness..

I knew my parents wanted to help me, but couldn’t. I had to tell the govnerment to give me a free pass for a while, as I just couldn’t pay my loan -even if they had said no.. I still would’ve been able to give them. Lastly, Having spent all the 8 given sessions, upgraded to 12, I had to stop my therapy aswell.. as I just couldn’t pay for her private service anymore.

 

This left me a scar
The job at the Sex Shop saved me, it really did. Which gladly happened a few weeks after I had to put Sheik’s vet on my credit card.. it was very few hours (25h/week) but I ended up growing happier, putting on weight again and getting that big debt payed. After they fired me, I got my barista job right away — where i’ve been happily working for going to 3years now.

I’m financially comfortable. Despite not having my own place nor own car, I can drive, and have more than enough in my account to not be struggling; being able to get anything my dachshund may end up needing, and although I never was a spender, I can spoil myself here and there without worrying about it. Life is good.

 

But I still CAN’T take in a day of relaxing. I need to be doing SOMETHING.ANYTHING productive (usually blogging wise)
Even if I know that I did my fair share of working since then, and that on a “Normal Situation”, I score 40hrs a week — even more if needed because of X Reasons; and we add a 2hrs of overtime as I usually need an extra 30mins to finish my close when it’s being busy.. I’m still taken back to that awful time where I had nothing to do but gaming all day and being anxious/having self-hate.

Even if I know all this; I still feel the need to HAVE to do things for my day to be worth it.. and it’s prooven hard to try to make my brain re-think this up; as on days that I choose to do “nothing” (aka gaming, napping and etc.), it shoves me into a panic attack whenever I try to just be.

Which can explain why I have so much trouble choosed to be on hiatus: i’m scared of losing my love of blogging AND I feel like I need that outlet, as it’s my “productive thing” – to take care of my blog and everything related to it. Skipping a posting day for me makes me feel so bad as a person and a failure as a blogger.

Oddly though, that had been overrated when I was with my ex — I was still feeling quite guilty of bloghopping less and kind of drifting a bit away from comments, When I was with him all that we did was laying in bed and watching things on his computer. My brain likes to try to convince myself that other people do SO much more out of their days.. so ithink that having someone with me helped ease my brain.. just seeing that i’m not the only one being lazy.. One’s life can’t always be on the go, right? Life’s not like in the movies.

 

On addition to this, even if my brain knows that i’m far from struggling, having a regular income and all that, it’s also a hard thing for me to treat myself. I’m just SO terribly scared of losing it all and going back to that time of struggle.. Whenever I spend something on myself, I end up in a slight panic attack, yet again.

Sure, it’d make me happy for the first moments, but i’m gonna end by asking myself a billion times if I really needed that and etc.. Hell, I even still ask my mother if I can buy that thing (spoiler alert, she always says yes — that I work hard enough to treat myself) but still end up shaming myself for it afterward.. which I need to express it to her for her to help me shut it off.

 

2021 is the year for Self-love
I shall continue to try to be at peace with needing to take time off the blog & get to understand that it’s absolutely fine to skip a post or two .. nothing bad will happen. I’m not shoving money out of the windows for paying on self-hosting. I can still continue blogging afterward, this doesn’t mean i’m giving up on blogging.

I’ll also work more on reminding myself that i’m as important and deserving as everybody else. I sure work hard enough to treat myself when I want to, and that it’s perfectly okay for me to relax on thoses two days that i’m off work.
(I’ve actually found that I love listening to youtube on my ipad while doing something else like playing on my switch — usually longer videos like unsolved crimes one)