I’ve never been diagnosed with a learning dissability, only ever anxiety & depression.
However.. I stopped masking in the recent years- without even being conscious about it, I just kind of let go upon seeing others unashamely being themselves.
For various reasons, we don’t go see my bestfriend often. The one that I always saw as my soulmate; our brains would sync together. The sad part is that now I feel like I skipped the boat.
She’s only a year older than me; she have a toddler, a boyfriend and a house. It feels like at one point we were the same age; and now she’s on full adult and i’m stuck in the teenager phase. The gap between us is flagrant, and yet I don’t want to let it go… she’s the only thing that I have, and yet it feels like it doesn’t quite fit anymore.. not as it used to.
I’d want to be more grown up, i’d love to be with her daughter more.. but i’m not a maternal person. My mother is filling my shoes with her, however I can’t help but feel a bit guilty. Mother fits right in and 8 don’t; I’m her godmother and I just- after a few hours I have to go. (Honorary title, nothing legally bind me to her)
Now iknow we aren’t used to having a toddler while she had 3yrs to settle into this lifestyle- but I realize how this truly isn’t for me. As she grow up, I hope things will change as her behavior will start to calm a bit and she’d take on an activity more without always jumping everywhere and changing her mind.
Has it always been like this, and i’m just realizing now that my masking came off? I don’t know.. I have no idea what I should even do about this. None of us has actually spoke about this matter; and wierd as it is, Id almost rather stay online. Not just because of this, but also because of the effects of the 3hrs trip on my body. Even if sometimes i’d still feel inacurrate- id say something and she’d brush me off in a way that I go “okay, i’ll go fuck myself iguess..”
At work and stuff i’ve always felt like a toddler/teenager in an adult suit sometimes but this is so different as I got a “before and after” right in front of my eyes.