Un-healthy signs in relationships to look closely on

Good morning my loves,

As Valentine’s day is rolling back around, this is as good of a timing as any to give us a reminder of what is some signs that your relationship *may* be un-healthy and possibly toxic. I’ve recently been there, and sometimes the signs doesn’t appear that bad at all! No violence nor anything.. and yet, while you get out you think upon what you were acting like or made to act like was actually not that good at all..

I think it’s important that we get aware of this and possibly get out as soon as possible, or atleast have a conversation and trying to fix things out before it gets too late. Let’s have some self-love in 2020 and make sure that we are being treated properly ❤️  both from the people around us, and ourselves; this is not anything you need to gain, everyone is worthy of this!

💔  “Putting too much water in your wine”, as we’d say in my language

Compromises are a must in every relationships, don’t get me wrong. Do you know what isn’t, though? That YOU are the only one to bend and do them.. As our saying imply, “diluating” your solution (wine, in this case), in order to please the other person and let it go almost un-noticed; to have your partner not agreeing to do the same when you ask them to compromise on something – no matter how small.

💔  Agreeing upon doing most things because it’ll make them happy – no matter how against your beliefs that is

This can imply many subject; wether it’s the use of drugs or alcohol, like in my case marijuana, when you originally wasn’t planning to but ended up doing it after they “sweet talked” you onto it.. or, more important, towards sex; which can be considered as rape.

My experiences on that front was agreeing not to use condoms because my partner didn’t liked the feel of them and wanted to feel me, when I was the one left to panic about possible pregnancy even though I was on the contraception pill and aren’t getting my menstruations anymore because of them; aswell as letting myself “be used” even though I didn’t wanted to have sex at all, because I felt guilty of saying no (even if I know I technically could) because we were not seeing each other often. Some days I would prep-talk myself to say no upon the moment he would start to touch me… to just not do it in the end, the word « no » just couldn’t leave my lips – I was not able to say it.

💔  Always argumenting what you says with « But last time you said.. »

Not really a huge thing on it’s own.. however, people can change their mind. Things can be said due to anger maybe, or in a situation that wasn’t safe to state the whole truth right away — and it sticks you in a position where it’s kinda uncomfortable to explain that you may have lied to them a little.. which can cause greater issues like fighting afterward.

💔  Not taking your identity or culture into account and how much they mean to you

At some point in my relationship, I started thinking that I might have been asexual – which could explain why I wasn’t into having sex at all (instead of blaming it on the guy itself) ; but everytime I was trying to explain why I would think that and my impressions, I was greeted with deny that I couldn’t be because “sometimes you have urges”.. as of which is not quite the definition of the term. Thoses situations always feels like the best thing is to stop trying to explain and stay quiet, which is not a good thing when you are in a relationship with someone; you should be able to be heard and understood.

Our last names had different quotations to them, being from different parts of Canada. My last name is one that i’ve grown to love: it’s my dad’s, and it’s one directly from my culture – one originating from France. His was an english last name, and I was expected to take his if we were to getting married… as of which I didn’t wanted to, it felt like I was losing a BIG part of who I was in a way. This pushed me to get my last name and my flag tattooed on my ankle, just so no matter what happens in life, they’ll always stay with me and be mine.

💔  In the case that animals came before them, asks you to choose between one of them or openly say they don’t like them

This is probably the biggest on my list. Humans can easily just drop you whenever you stop being what they needed, or just hurt you; animals on the other hand, remains by you side and keep loving you forever. It’s also not hidden that my two dogs saved my life, so if you ask me to get rid of them or imply it in any way, that’s a big NO. I don’t believe in needing to get rid of your babies for a partner, no matter the reason behind it.

💔  Your mental illnesses cling together

Some people chooses to be medicated, some chooses not to ; where that becomes a problem, is when YOU are in a right place of mind and everything is fine… until you get pulled down the rope along with the other person when theirs is being bad. If they don’t do anything to feel better, that can happen VERY often – which make you feel worst and makes your act up by ricochet.. You get placed in a situation where you can do anything else but worry, as we can’t help someone who doesn’t wanna help themselves, and if you don’t live together and it’s bad enough.. you are to also lose your mind over not knowing if they are fine, or if they’ll do something stupid and hurt themselves… it’s really a heavy load to go through unnecessarily.

💔  Controlling what you can buy or not

In the circumstances that you both have different accounts, thus having your own money that you work hard for.. the partner doesn’t really should have a say in what you choose to do with it. Although in the moment, the argument that it would be their home too and they don’t want X in it seems like a good one… don’t fall for it.

Upon writing this post, it just made me realize how much BIGGER all the little details that i overlooked really was when placed end-to-end of each other.. Which is to say how easy it is to think something isn’t really that bad to suddently have that slap that yeah… it was actually kinda bad. I really shoud’ve listened to that voice inside me and stood my grounds..

💔 Always putting the fault on you, no matter how dedicated you are to the relationship

Although you would both fall within the same pattern of working too much or odd hours.. it would always fall on being yours fault. They could work and switch work schedules ALL THE TIME and cancel dates because of them .. but as soon as you need to do the same, they’ll reproach you for it while not thinking they’re own behavior is in the wrong.

I just wanna note that I don’t think partners showing thoses signs are necessarely always a bad person.. like in my case, our dynamics were just not really working together. I guess his aura, or maybe the fact he was twice my size, was overpowering over me and making me way more docile that I actually am. 

Being in a couple that each partners have different languages is also more prone to this, ithink.. because it’s way more easier to get mad and explain your boundaries in your own language. I would protect my boundaries while speaking french with my mother and say that was enough … when arriving in english, I was speechless and unable to say it.

Have you something like this?
Have I forgotten some other signs?