Good morning,
I don’t read much non-fiction; which one of my goal this year had been to yet again explore my horizons and read more unusual books for me. This book had been on my TBR list for quite a while- at first ai had been wanting to read a Mental Health related book instead, but as the one I had originally wanted to read on my Libby was taken, I decided to loan this book instead.
3 ⭐️ / 5 Stars
I had been on the questioning side of things for quite a while now.. and from the first couple chapters, I had a few “lightbulb moments” as I call them, you know- when something just clicks. The first thing, was when she got her friend to explain how they can get physically aroused just looking at someone, because I– too had been bothered by that with one of my flings.. them having boners over looking at someone else didn’t sit right with me- because I don’t understand it, it made me sad. How can you desire someone else? I was also shocked to learn it happened even when you hate the other person!
« Sort of. But also, not really. I’m sure you’ve been sexually attracted to someone that you’re not dating, but it’s often just attraction. Physical. That happens all the time and you manage it. For most people, it’s not some horrible thing you can’t deal with, though I guess it can be. Almost all the time it’s no big deal. We all learn to deal, you know? »
I love how we explore the relationship of disability & people of color to asexuality, the differences and why it might be harder for them to relate to the sexuality itself – either because of underlining stigma or racist ideologies.
« If asexuality, mine or anyone else’s, comes up in discussion, it must always be qualified. It feels like I can’t say “I’m ace” and let that stand on its own; I must always fight the impulse to tack on frenetic caveat after frenetic caveat. »
« Aces can look like ourselves and be ourselves attention-getting and fashionable, nonconformist and awkward and shy, and everything in between. Aces don’t need to experience sexual attraction to move through the sexual world on our own terms. »
Most importantly, the book reassured me on my own asexuality. How what I had been experiencing with my ex was “normal” and I wasn’t broken- it’s simply a different sexuality.
I learned many things that I didn’t question before, such as with different races & disabilities, the book was very well construct to include many different settings. Such as it being a more whitewashed movement, because of racist ideology that individuals mostly might not wanna “proove” in a way.
« So coercion looks like being told that you would have sex if you really loved someone. It feels like being afraid to see your partner because you don’t want to keep denying them sex. It feels like, as activist Queenie of Aces writes, making a list of all the reasons you shouldn’t have sex now (not old enough, haven’t been dating long enough, birth control access could be a problem) but never knowing that the real reason that you don’t want to is the only one you need.
Guilt and shame and anger: Shame at saying yes, anger at not knowing you didn’t have to say yes, shame at not standing your ground and saying no, anger at partners for not telling you to say no, guilt at being angry because no one knew better. »