Do you miss old traits that you used to have?

Heyoo,

This is one of those posts that i’ve been spiralling over in my head.. I feel like i’m searching for gold with my pan having bigger holes in it, only to see the chunck of gold a split second before it falls down the pan- the gold in this metaphor being blog post ideas😝

Something that’s been in my mind lately, has been how much I miss some character traits younger me used to have; long before my mental health breakdown and the shit hit the fans.. although I am proud of some traits that i’ve gained through all of this.

I feel like a mix of mental health breakdown, taking care of my mother so young and covid really busted my early twenties.. I used to party and go out so much more. I used to drink a bit more, but not too bad- I’ve never been so drunk to not remember my night or anything, and the only time I did threw up was because of an apparent allergic reaction to *something* in the mix of drinks I had gotten.. as my chest was splotty red once we got to bed 😅

Now I have the “party pooper syndrome“.. so many times had I gone somewhere, like a work party, and after a few depression showed up and I just.. I didn’t had fun at all, just kinda numb and nostalgic looking at others having fun. I shouldn’t drink anyway because of my medication, but I won’t go above one drink anyway- it doesn’t appeal to me at all. And I do feel it the next morning.

I also used to have my dad’s explosive character.. which is bad in the way that we would sparks against each other all the time, but good in the way that I didn’t let nobody use me as a carpet either. Since I started working after I graduated college, I was idolating my bosses – putting them onto a pedestal where I couldn’t say anything. And lord have I got my share of bad bosses running over me, not being able to say a word to defend myself. It was even so bad that I couldn’t handle anyone yelling at me, id instantly burst crying!! That’s when I got really scared and knew it was bad..

I’m slowly gaining this power back, not letting myself be a carpet without saying anything! Slowly but surely… I’ve definately grown to be more calm, and I feel anger less often too. I was one of those teens who’d get mad, say awful stuff I didn’t mean, and regret it later 😅 good that this part isn’t happening anymore; I get irritable and slightly rude at best. I do swear like a sailor however, even at work..

The last thing that I miss, is how creative I was. Being an only child I would always play solo; I remember playing in the pool alone with super elaborate scenarios. As a child I would be writing poetry and short stories.. and I would definately had been able to read fantasy, I remember The Spiderwick Chronicles being my favorite! Which i’m honestly so scared of rereading those..

I’m no longer writing, except for my blog posts.. and they had been giving me trouble lately to come up with the ideas 😬 I had a period where I couldn’t picture anything while reading when I got my mental breakdown, which def scared me!! Reading is no fun without it.. staring at words and reciting them? Boring. I’m glad that came back, but I can’t do high fantasy still; elaborate world building is a nope for my brain.

What about you?