Fear doesn’t get overwritten with age

Ofcourse, we all know now, I have anxiety and depression.

Mother is my anchor; Because I don’t have anyone else full time like she is, She’s like my security blanket in a way.. Which just make sense when you consider that i’ve been taking care of my mother my whole life, being her carer when she was a dialysis patient & just gotten her kidney (See: The power of love) — Most times, i’m afraid of going to do things alone, and I bring her along with me 99% of the time. The only time where I don’t, is mainly when i’m working.

Because i’m now 27years old, I feel like people don’t really understand.. A few think it’s actually really cool that i’m so close to my mother, because everyone isn’t as lucky as I am, but for the rest, it paints me as childish. Because who, being almost in their 30s- a full grown adult- need to bring their mother along?

But when you think about it.. one’s fear & anxiety doesn’t magically get away as you age.. you just become better at hiding or managing it.

Sometimes, I don’t even feel like an adult myself.. We were going to a restaurant for a Staff Christmas Party, thus needing me to go alone as I don’t have a partner I can cling to- No joke, I had been waiting in my car for a good half-hour waiting for my friend (who was late) before I could bring myself to finally get in.

Entering a restaurant, to announce we’re here for a staff party, show our vaccine passport & get pointed into the direction of our group seems simple enough, right? But I couldn’t do it.. I’m still scared shitless.

While my body be aging, my soul still feel like my 19-years old self; Though it doesn’t help me that I don’t get out alone more and work on it.. i’m currently as scared of doing public/social things as I was back then.

Does that makes me childish or a bad person? not necessarely. I just need to focus on the right persons in my life who accept me through my demons, and doesn’t downplay me because of it.. or even would help me with them, taking another “security blanket’s” place.

Do you struggle with something that looks bad the older you get?
Have you find something that helps you?