How it feels to grow up alone
I’ve always been more of a “inside” person, meaning i’m more reserved, iguess, I never have the need to go toward people.
However- that means that my friend circle is quite small. While I do enjoy quiet times by myself & my animals most days, some nights makes me melancholic and sad. What if I lose my one soulmate overtime? How do I stop being like this and reach out?
It has always been me and my bestfriend. As she was a year older, I had to get another group on my last year before going to highschool joining her. One of them had been absolutely toxic- this guy wouldn’t leave me alone and had to be better than me or worst than me at everything. Sadly, along my bestie, only the toxic one remained Took me years to get rid of him!
When I moved in the same town as my cousin of the same age at 12 (3hrs from home), ofcourse id wanted to befriend her. The director nicely put me in all her classes, and yet- my cousin didn’t cared about me 😅 In gym class I met a girl.. which ended up leaving me to go into.. my cousin’s friends group 🤦🏽♀️ I tried again and befriend another girl that stayed with me until graduation. Afterward our paths changed, her topics were stuff I wasn’t doing and although I tried to keep the link, it effectivelty broke.
I didn’t made much more friends in my years of college either. I ended up sticking to that one older girl from my course who was also from my hometown. We stopped talking quickly after graduating. Even now, i’d make friends at work and although I try my hardest, once one or both is out of the workplace, things changes. And with the fact I don’t go socialising much-
Here comes the best part. Even online I don’t seem to be able to befriend people! Sure , ive gotten a good community off the book blogosphere, but y’alls all over the world. The few people i’ve gotten in contact that was local (tinder), either didn’t sticked as it felt flat, of ive been ghosted after feeling really good about it. I was being my true self, open and unrestrictive.
One even became a friend with benefit- though we fell off because he went into mute mode for months as of poor MH. I’ve tried to befriend a guy at work and he ended up being wierd and letting go.. not entirely sure if it was meant to happen anyway or if it was because I confronted him??
I truly don’t understand what im doing wrong.. while having the same “neurodivergent” feel as one of my old coworker, she was loved for it when I got hate. Have I simply haven’t found my people yet? Are they dead? Am I just doomed to solitude forever?! 😭
To make matters worst, i’m scared bestfriend- my soulmate, I wouldve left this world without you- feels distant. I’m not sure if i’m extrapoling as I do love some bad case schenario-ing.. and truly even if it was it’s not like I can do anything against it (which is the worst. Ever). ofcourse she’s growing older, which feels without me.. she got a house, a boyfriend and a 2years old toddler! Logically I know it makes sense she isn’t speaking much, plus they had been sick alot and we haven’t been able to meet and see her since last year (!!)
It’s an actual fact that us millenials are trapped in this pouch of confusion as we’re in the middle of two worlds- one before internet, and one after internet. Iknow I really feel like i’ve been left behind, that doesn’t help as I feel like my mind’s been stuck at 24 (at best!) and all the impostor syndrome is hitting hard. I’ve got nothing but my 3 animals in life.. no house, no car, no partner, no real group of friends?!
Though my self-confidence is higher than it used to be, I feel good in my skin though i’ve always been neutral to it, it constantly feel like we’re in the gym picking teams and i’m constantly the only one standing. The wierd one nobody wants.
it’s complicates as it’s like Ive got a switch- i’m okay being alone and gaming until i’m not. I can’t tell you the amount of time I signed up to tinder or something, wanting to connect and talk with people… to go “k nevermind! I dont want to anymore” about a week later 🥲 but how can I form bond with people? Idk if im just unlucky, but everything is so surface now! I wanna talk through the night of some random shit that i know you wont judge me for. I wanna have deep talk about our philosophy and dislikes! I want the deep friendship of being friends for a while- I just never reach it before they ghosts me and it frustrates me 😤