Learning the art of being alone

Theoretically speaking, I’m an only child who can’t make new friends for the life of me- so yes,, I can be alone. But hear me out.

Whenever I’m not at work, i’m constantly with my mother. I bring her with me everywhere I go; generally speaking only taking the car to drive to and from work. It has not always been like this, I used to have a friend to chill with in town.

As you can guess, this does nothing to help me with my compassion fatigue if i’m always with the one i’m caring for- because I never do things with myself, for myself.

While being in my thirties, my brain is stuck in the loop that I can’t, or rather don’t, be by myself and I need someone else present. Not too long ago I was still asking my mother if I could buy myself treats.. not because I couldn’t afford it, but because I had a money obsession of needing to keep it save “in case I lose my job”. And facing the impostor syndrome called “am I worthy of buying this game? Am I worthy buying myself this pleasure?”.

Her answer had always been yes. You don’t go out, you don’t drink or party… you can have this little thing. In comparison I would never look at tags while buying things for my animals 🙈 I’m relatively in good means in my current situation, where I’m saved of appartment, food & other life purchases as the rent my mother gave me is pretty low. This fear was purely formed out of panic of losing money, as I had been unemployed for over 9months and took all my savings on a dog emergency. (It did flipped upward at the end! I got the sexshop job and I was able to repay my credit card and start saving)

Different tangent to say that my new loop is this one. Yes, ofcourse by all means let the parents know for safety reasons, aswell as it’s their car.. but hey, I don’t need any pass. I can just.. take the car and go. Just like that, on my own.

It had been something my mother was struggling with aswell, but for different reason- my dogs would cry and she didn’t liked leaving them alone while I was working. For me, it’s more the safety/social anxiety of things. Physically, I can just go by myself, do/buy whatever I need and come back.., but emotionally? It’s a bit harder.