Living through a pandemic with an immunocompromised mother

* This is written with my own perception & experience. Ofcourse all feelings and/or experiences vary from persons to persons, none of them being right or wrong *

* I can only speak about my position as a relative to someone disabled, I also acknowledge how priviledge I am to have a “choice” in the matter unlike others who are disabled themselves. I’ve been wanting to speak about this matter for a while, maybe to open the eyes of more fortunate people to not even think about this issue.. but mainly as a relief for myself *

I’m very close to my mother, and living with them is a choice that is a massive plus for both parties: They get extra money from me, I get to use mother’s car, she’s no longer all alone at home as she’s babysitting my dogs for me while I work..

I’ve taken care of my mother my whole life; we had lived nightmare years of her being incredibly sick and on dialysis. We lost so much time together in my teens/young adult years that we’ll never get back.. though we do have gotten the chance to have many more to come rather than it ending with dialysis. We got a new start at life.

Related; A Special Sunday 💚 The Power of love // My story taking care of my mother 💚 Celebrating 5 years

However, even though i’m very much happy to do what’s best for her sake (and that’s probably what I would’ve had picked on my own decision anyway), sometimes I do feel like i’m being penalized for it. I feel choked by the fact that I didn’t made the decision of my own will, I just need to follow what’s best for mother; though I know for a fact that it’s the right path and sensible thing to do.

It’s so frustrating to me how people can just.. blow everything up by being selfish. How sometimes family, coworkers or even friends won’t get vaccinated – and i’m here, knowing full well the consequences of what could happen if buddy here that isn’t vaccinated and carelessly isn’t wearing their mask like that ONE coworker at work happens to get it and pass it to me.

Because I know that being vaccinated isn’t a cure. We can still get it in some cases, though I hope her vaccines would save mother if she were to get it, I couldn’t live with myself knowing I was the one to pass it to her. It’s like I have that extra pressure on my shoulders to not only shield myself, but her aswell.. because she only got 6years of freedom since her dialysis ended. She don’t deserve to go because of this virus and some stupid individuals not caring enough about others!

I feel trapped.. We all know we can only do so much to protect ourselves, aswell as protecting others. After a specific line, you can’t do nothing else but to suffer from the surrounding selfish decisions.

I’m one to genuinely take care of my loved ones at my core, and for so long all I ever did was taking care of her, it is destroying me that again i’m left standing helplessly on the side. Knowing that what I can do is limited and probably never enough.. almost expected to be and act like the good kid that I am.

Our province of New-Brunswick moved along to the Green Phase on the 1st of August- meaning no more restrictions, no more mask wearing mandatory.. and while we had only 2cases at the start, we are now at 84 as i’m writing this (not counting the recent ones from weekend) — Most days receiving ~10 new cases with most of them being in my region of the province! There’s new updates to possible expositions every day. [Edit: 40new cases got added in said weekend, 32 of them being in my town. With outbreaks in both nursing home & daycare]

We know that the majority of them were not properly vaccinated, which means no or only one vaccine. But I still choose to wear my mask at work, as they made it optional for both staff and customers to wear it (though to be honest, on evenings that there’s not a soul in there and only me & my other fully vaxxed coworker, I’m gonna remove it. Because it’s heat wave season, my medication makes me get heat fatigue more easily & frequently. We also still has our plexiglass in place to somewhat be protected by the customers).

The more cases we get, now having passed 100s of them, the more my anxiety skyrocket.. because I have the weight of not only protecting myself but another human being aswell. In a world that just don’t give a fuck about this virus “that doesn’t really exist” — Sure, I can choose not to hang out with people I know aren’t fully vaxxed.. but some people don’t even declare it! One of my older cousin came to see my parents at home while I was working without us knowing they were anti-vaxx. Ofcourse they were NOT wearing a mask, and we only found out from another family member afterward.