Living with Anxiety; Not feeling like a proper Adult?

Good morning!

They say that when you live a strong enough trauma, your brain kinda stop evolving & stay permanantly stuck at the mental age of how old you were back then.. Now I can’t say that’s the case with anxiety & depression, or in all cases for that matter, but it sure does feel like it- especially starting a new job.

I had the feeling beforehand, where sometimes I felt more childish than anyone else seemed at the same age that I am.. often feeling innapropriate or unable to do what others could. For exemple, my boss at the Café was just a few years older than me- being in her early thirdies and having two young children. Though I’ve seen several parents saying that “their babies made them the parents they were today”, in the sense of being pregnant made them take the step and be more adult than they ever was before then; I couldn’t see myself deal with the same thing, barely being able to deal with two dogs & myself.

Recently, I’ve definately felt the gap. My bestfriend being only a year older than me, she’s already pregnant with her first child & proceeded to buy a house.. and then there’s me, where the happy thing that I got was a new job. While sure it’s a new adventures and lots of learning new stuff, it doesn’t really feel comparable?

The house market being crazy high nowadays, i’m definately closer with a higher pay rate than I was.. but I feel way behind, even with a year range, as not only don’t I want (or can) have kids- I’m not ready to leave the family house yet. Mother needs the help I can give them financially, but furthermore, I couldn’t live on my own without a partner as being alone for long periods increases my depression. We can argue that sure I could get roomates, but I don’t have friends and I would fear getting just pure strangers as you never know if they’d do bad things to my dogs when I’d have my back turned.

While iknow we can’t judge with someone else’s progress, and though i’m super happy for my bestfriend… I can’t help the feeling; and definately scared of how i’d be for her baby. My only certitude being how we survived so many things: bullying, my depression, moving away.. so a baby probably will be hard at first, but nothing that we can’t face together.

Starting a new job, people seems to just- expect so much out of you. While it’s normal that I don’t have the knowledge of all the products after merely a week, not having done the virtual training yet, they do expect some kind of ability to communicate. At the Café, it had been easy to overcome my fear of phone calls.. being there for 4years, I knew most of the answers they would ask me or at most it’d be for a coffee catering order.

I’m not even close to feeling able to answer the phone yet; it scares me, even though I know I can put it on hold & ask for help. We also need to call other stores sometimes to ask them to send a receipt or find something for us as per the customer’s need… and I don’t feel like I can do it. The other day I even got some sass from a coworker, being the newcomer above me, because I didn’t wanted to pick up the phone while the two others were talking with a person. He sighed and took it, though he threw me a «Usually, if two people are helping a customer and the phone rings, it’s the third person who picks it up 😤».

It is normal to feel overwhelmed with a new job, but little things like that makes me feel really innapropriate.. especially the last couple of days. Hoping it’d ease away for me soon, and throwing it on the behalf of end-of-the-month and that my moodiness/wanting to start crying is because i’m on my lasts of pills before I start my other plaquette.

Have you ever felt the same way?
Did you eventually “grew out” of it? Got any tips for me?