Unlike what you might originally think, my medication doesn’t numb me from feeling things, *sadly* — though I may argue that I always had this thing of being “over dramatic” 🙊
Previous post in the serie: “the occasional party pooper“
The way my depression work, it might take a few days/weeks to accumulate before the dams finally break, but I do get nights here and there where I feel the shadow dawned on me. I like to see it like the “annoying uncle”, as it’s own entity entirely, that just comes for it’s regular visit. Iknow that it won’t stay and will eventually leave, so I just live the moment isolating myself while laying in my bed, usually listening to music or an anime or something.
Mixed with my anxiety & trauma, some actions by my loved ones might get biggest reactions that wasn’t “called for”. Not only do I have a self-sabotage mindset, but this is either a result of internalized trauma or just the dams breaking. Another thing that happens not as frequently, but still happens sometimes with my undiagnosed ADHD mother, is a sensory overload. She just keep talking and talking and my brain just- can’t take it anymore and the more she talks, the more i’m panicking.. which result in being perceived as aggressive as i’m literally drowning & I need her to stop talking so I can catch my breath; though she doesn’t understand it.
Iknow i’m a pain to deal with at time, specially how my actions are dictated by my emotions more than my brain ..which i’d say is the strongest on good emotions, or for the “right situation”, but negative emotions are quite troublesome 😅
Feeling too much also comes hand in hand with caring too much. Wether I choose to or not, I take everything “for cash money” as we’d say in my language — meaning that all that’s being said to me will inevitably been taken as personal. Sometimes critics are just that, meaningless critics- or things to help better yourself; sometimes, it’s just people being morons- like in the aspect of my job as customer service.
I’m working on that. But I don’t wanna stop caring entirely- that’s when you become a monster. I do wanna care, just.. pick and choose my battles better. Know when and where it’s appropriate; give my all to the people around me that loves me back VS a random customer making a fuss.
I’m so sorry you’re going through all this! I know depression isn’t the kind of thing where you can say ‘get better soon!’ because it doesn’t work like that, but I hope things get better for you as much as possible.
And I can really relate to the whole taking things personally thing, and I definitely got that when I worked in retail. If someone was horrible to me I’d be really upset for ages afterwards, and I don’t think these rude people realise how badly it can affect you. Especially because you can have multiple rude people in one day!
To be fair, im grateful i dont feel like that all the time now; as my medication does help me greatly so it only happens once in a while!
I do feel like they’re not valid sometimes though.. idk if they’re seen as « reasonable » or not 🙊
Ohh yeah.. though now they turn a different switch entirery 😂 except the maddness of saturdays where I do get overly anxious, the rest of the time I just get in such a fury! Which I guess anger can be better than sad or anxiety but you know xD i can ruminate the situation for a while ahah
Depression is a nasty beast and not one is like another. Just be gentle with yourself because you are woth it.
Thank you- I need this reminder specifically ❤️