Never forget; It’s always just a number ❤️

Truth be told,  I’ve never really cared about the look of my body. Quite miraculously I suppose, as I did grew up in the 2000’s where Rachel McAdams in Mean girls was seen as “fat”. My mother has always been on the heavier side, with her being sick and now having 3 kidneys in her body- that takes rooms, you know?

We even have a saying in my family, if we’d go for anything sweet or like cakes, we’d say what roughly translate to “big butt for everybody!” — It never bothered me that is, until now… where I started taking weight instead of shredding it while dancing for over an hour per week? (20mins a day for 6 days a week)

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Growing up i’ve always been tiny. The kid that always got hand-me down from cousins; which we weren’t that rich so that was nice! Overall I always looked relatively normal albeit being smaller than my peers.

The start of my story is from 2015s.. before and during my fight with anxiety & depression. You can see from the pictures that I look too thin- way too thin for healthy. It’s even seen in my face that there’s something wrong, i’m apalled it wasn’t apparent to me beforehand- why nobody told me?

 

The moment where I start to panic was when I started to see that I was losing weight without meaning to.. likei’d notice my belly would be shrinking- and I wasn’t even exercicing! It even came with some stomach problems where I would throw up a good 75% of what I ate.

I started to obsess about taking my weight. I remember one Christmas where I specifically asked to have some lobster.. to throw it back up seconds after sitting down after finishing it. I was so upset! Ofcourse we went many times at the hospital where they ran multiple tests to come back to me saying everything was normal.

 

It’s only after finally being diagnosed with those mental illnesses and started my antidepressants that I finally started to take some weight! Something that I just couldn’t do beforehand, I would just constantly stay in that over-thin area. I got up to 120lbs if I remember correctly, what I refer to my “happy weight”. It stayed like this for many years, and I was absolutely happy with that as I felt much better within my head.

 

 

Flashforward to present day, at 29years old. I’ve matured and taken some more weight, as you tend to do. However as I never was one to more and be sporty, I decided to start moving. Not necessarely to lose the weight but you know, to be more healthy and getting benefits from it like better digestion, better sleeping, etc.

 

I’ve tried Yoga, Beachbody program, and am currently on Dancebit. Something I actually love to do and didn’t gave up on even after I had to stop for my ankle sprain! Which would sadly happen every time that I would try to start moving, as soon as something would have me skip some workout.. game over, I wasn’t even taking it back.

This is where the wierd happens; after a month I did saw a change in my body. i’ve had those bags of fat behind my hips on my back for literal AGES (something caused by me not eating breakfast 😅 but as a child I would get sick if I ate too early). One day I was dressing for work and as my hand grazed my body, I noticed it felt different! the fat pouches are smaller now.

I was 175lbs when I started around May/June, in August i’m standing at 190lbs? how does that makes sense 😆 I try not to let the gain of number bothers me, but it does sounds wierd. Though I did only added physical activities, I can’t say I eat unhealthy- ithink my eating is pretty balanced, I started earting more vegan power oat, I’ve started pooping everyday (it wasn’t my normal before), I’ve always only drank water, I barely eat chips and candy anymore..

 

Even with my weight fluctuating in the past years, I do fit within my same clothes! Below you can see my different fits in my My Hero Academia Plus Ultra muscle shirt. As I stand now, I fit in Plus Size stores.. with the challenge of being “too big” for regular stores but “too small” for plus size stores 🤦🏽‍♀️ Sometimes I can get a L or XL to fit in some stores, while I have a 00-02 or 04 clothes from Torrid plus-size aswell in my closet.

Picture taken the day i’m written this, August 29th 2024.

 

Getting pants for work is even worst, as I have big hips & legs most times I can barely pull it up to my knees; I’m a size 20 in plus-size stores. Regular I was 36 ithink, which was the biggest size the store carried. Being in-between sizes, although it “fits”, with my fat pouches being gone there’s now nothing that keep the pants there 🤣 So I end up losing my pants anyway. Everything is also made way too long for us aswell, as i’m only 5’4.

All that to say, the society is what making us think we’re fat. Though there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! It’s getting harder to get dressed as they keep changing the fits every year to go smaller! it’s a scam! It’s not only woman too, as we see the same with my goddaughter that’s almost 2yo.

 

Looking at myself, i’m not even that big- that’s a regular sized woman. What do you mean i’m plus sized??! I’m comfortable in my body, it does what a body needs to do most times, that’s all that matters! Even if most days, especially clothes shopping, it might feel otherwise.

A quote that do make me feel better, albeit being Asexual is: “No matter what you look like, someone would wanna fuck that anyway! “. Doesn’t fail to make me feel less bad about my body shape, hey looks like i’m just build heavy! 🤷🏽‍♀️