Recovery Relapses

I’ve been on the mood to write mental health posts lately, probably as i’ve been acting & feeling so depressed lately that I need to talk about it now!

Sadly, like any other “recovery process”, Mental health’s recovery tend to get relapses aswell once in a while. Mine is one that will always stay within myself, as it isn’t only due to events around me – but also a chemical imbalance, which means it’ll always pop-in once in a while.. But it’s okay, it’s not in any way our fault, we just gotta surf the wave and sunshine will come through again!

I like the idea that my recovery in itself is “mostly” done – meaning that i’ve found the right medication, I no longer feel the need to go talk to my psychologist and i’m pretty stable now. Anyway, more than I used to; I see things in my old and current behaviors that are now huge red flags and can manage them better. I do truly believe that it can get better again and can’t fanthom that I had ever been THAT low, despice remembering how that felt.

But with that being said, there’s still pieces of myself here and there that I can clearly see are still “broken”, and not properly healed yet – even after 6-ish years.

My emotional stability is basically non-existant now; while growing up, I used to throw fits with my father and arguing so much that my mother needed to be the mediator. I still can’t stand it now. As soon as someone starts yelling at me or even start confronting me, I can’t hold back my emotions and tears just start pouring out of me. Which I guess has it’s good and bad; as it’s never a good idea to keep your emotions bottled up, but I feel like an absolute child for not be able to stop myself and have to cry at everything.

My anxiety still comes in the way of doing things; I am physically unable to ask for help, such as asking people to cover me at work because I don’t feel good – which mainly comes from how I was raised. In my head, I still don’t know what is good enough to call in-sick, because mother always told me that «There’s nothing more we can do at home, so might aswell go to work..» and it stuck by me. I also just can’t tell people to leave even when we’re closed, I just can’t..

Having recovered doesn’t necessarely means that everything is back to where it was before, because truly, we have to accept that we aren’t the same self than we were before it happened.. because it did happen and who we are changed forever, but it can also be for the better.

We also need to keep getting better, and not just stop there. As you can see, there’s still a few things that I need to keep in mind and push beyond my limit; like asking for help.