Sharing my Asexuality journey

Reading through «Sounds fake but okay», I felt like sharing my own story and my own “lightbulb moment”. I got feelings aswell as thinks to say, so let me vent them to you! also feel free to do the same in the comments, please? 

While I don’t quite openly say i’m Ace on top of the roofs just yet, I’ve started to incorpore it a but more. Keep reading more books, nonfiction or not, about the topic aswell as putting the label in my dating profiles bio. Seeing how I feel with that label, slowly making my mind.

Related; being ace in a hypersexual society / Books that helped me figure out my sexuality

As most, I assume, I was also a late bloomer. All through primary school, I had that crush on the same boy for 8years. Problem, he was popular and I wasn’t, so it didn’t ended too well. I was writing him notes at lunch and everything 🫣 However he had always been nice to me, albeit younger me got laughed at often.

In high school, I spent my time crushing on different boys.. the crush changing like way too much- like I didn’t wanted to actually pursue them? Anyway the boys I liked didn’t liked me back & was again in different circles than mine (me being the « wierd one », but thankfully ignored instead of bullied). I got one relationship in my senior year with a guy a year younger than me.. it lasted a big ol’ 3months 😂 While I did touched him, nothing more happened- and I found that wierd AF. Ithink it was mainly just because his friend group was harrassing us like « so you guys had sex yet? » that we did it, it wasn’t steamy in any way shape or form.

i’d say it started clicking for me around my mid-20s.. I don’t remember what specifically, but it was something I had been reading off tumblr (like for ADHD and possibly autism spectrum?)- They were writing “just asexual things” for aces and written by aces… and man, did I related to that too.

I got my longest & first relationship with a guy around this point, I can’t say what came first. We stayed a year together and i’m pretty sure he cheated on me as he gave me something that ‘magically appeared’ one day in the middle of our relationship.. 🤨 Anyway- the sexy time with his never was pleasant at all.. felt more like a chore, I wasn’t feeling anything AND he wasn’t pre-heating the oven too well if you get my draft.. i once touched based to him about my being ace and he textually told me I couldn’t be ace as I got horny once in a while 🤦🏽‍♀️ and that guy hand been telling himself demisexual.

The kicker is; turns out I do feel horny sometimes.. but i’m so not used to that I simply ignore it! Most times it will happens before I go for a nap, so I just turn off my brain- without even “manually shutting it off”. Really just ignoring it. So i’m kind of in hot water here as I definately don’t know what to do with that feeling! 😅

I also don’t understand how sexual attraction works. In my head it’s intrinsically intertwined with feelings- how my friend that I liked could get a boner because he saw his kink (which happened to be into pregnant woman) ? Blasphemy! That made me feel so hurt, which I got to realize was because I couldnt understand it. Sure, I can tell you this person is attractive, or aestically pleasing to look at, but not to the point where I’d get an instant boner – even if I could.

* When people claim sexual desire or their “needs” to excuse cheating.. i even less understand. Can’t you guys just not act on them? Can’t y’all not control yourself like we’re able to? 🤨 That makes absolutely no sense to me.

My fear would be that my asexuality would be synthetic.. I mean that i’ve been on the contraception pill since I was 16 due to high ‘im-on-the-ground-painful’ periods, and I started antidepressants at 20; so I can’t actually tell you if it’s a medication side effect or if they’re just not there. I can just tell you I didn’t experienced any before.. but again I was wuite young so I couldve been a late bloomer too.

* When shipping fictional characters, I always did what might be called “disney shipping”. In my head, there’s never sexual intercourse involved- I do want them together, but just the romance part of things! That being said, I’m just starting to broaden my horizons to eroticas too, but that’s just not what I picture.

* added onto the post after publishing