I must’ve entered the numb/denial phase of my grief.. while I know she was here, and existed, sometimes I wonder if I didn’t made her up?
After crying for days, I now feel really detached of it all.
Related; My life just shattered 💔, The toll of losing a beloved pet
I never understood the quote “I love you not only for you, but for who I am when i’m with you.” — and that’s exactly that. More than herself as a personality, it’s the duality of them. I don’t have my twins anymore, like looking in a mirror.
They were three.. and now they’re just two. More than her absence, it’s the complete change in routine:
She was my foodie- she’d alert and yap at me on the dot for her food.. there’s none anymore. Her brothers don’t bat an eye and nobody get up.
She was my chatty one- more than constant barking, she would look at me and low growl whenever she wanted something. Usually food or her ball, it’s quiet now. Yes her brother barks a bit, but way less.
I’d never thought i’d miss her small antics, her talking when I picked her up, the way she sat crooked on one butt cheeks as she’s too long to sit otherwise, the “plop!” of her ball hitting the water when we full the tub and don’t guard her. The high-pitch bark for attention when we cater to her brothers for nail trims..
Looking at her unique dapple spots on her back and tell her how pretty spots she had. Kafei is my blanket baby and she always was my cushion baby; she’d sleep with us and lay on the pillow by my head, i’d turn over and cuddle her head .. her presence isn’t here anymore. The first days of losing her was really hard, both me and my mother had trouble sleeping- She was looking for her while I felt like I was choking; only thinking of her when I needed to fall asleep.
It all happened so fast, I wasn’t ready.. if I would’ve known it was our last times I would’ve taken them in videos.. I would’ve paid more attention.. I know I sounds like a broken record. I can’t quite grasp the gravity of her absence yet, talking/writing is part of my grief healing.
It’s been two weeks, when mother called me on tuesday to tell me I could go pick up Sheik.. i’d lie if Id said I didn’t forget what state she would be in- for a split second I thought of her physical form. Then it caught me, and I cried most of the ride to the vet to get her ashes.
We talk alot about the pets we get to mend our hearts from losing one- technically she was that when I lost Grisette, my old cat. I got her months after she passed, Majora finished and lifted the rest of the pain- by his picture perfect look, I thought I was looking at her instead whenever mother send me pictures of him. And now I lost her too.. it’s surreal. Especially as a middle child, she wasn’t even that old- which is what caught me so off guard. Based off my calculations, she wasn’t supposed to go first- despite her issues, she seemed stable.
That sounds so rough, ofcourse I didn’t wanted to lose either of them- but it’s a reality they don’t live as long as we do.
Majora was supposed to be our last one. Especially with her, it was a lot of logistics- meds twice a day at 10:30 with 2 puffs of her inhaler.. but I would’ve done anything to keep her. It was hard for us to go on vacation or longer trip as it was beyond just coming to the house to feed them and get them out, her special needs were demanding.
Iknow I will get more dachshies, eventually.. but her & Kafei will remains the OG that i’ll keep talking about for the rest of my days. The two that saved my life and had me keep on living through my dark days. I’ll cherish them forever ❤️🩹 It’s unreal to think I lost one of my pillar that way.
Until we meet again on the other side..
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